Sweet Colors of Twilight

To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
& noone’s there to save you.

Welcome to My Life – Simple Plan

It has all come back again to haunt me and taunt me. What am I? Nothing but a pawn in this sadistic game, where the winner lives in eternal bliss and the loser is cast in stone to be discarded for the rest of his life. And all I ever wanted was perfection.

She sits silently upon the concrete ground, her legs dangling over the edge. Adrenaline was coursing through her veins as she peered down at the vast darkness below, peppered with little twinkling lights. It is quiet up here, away from the hustle and bustle of the city down there. She has often wondered what it would be like to fall through the air, basking in all of its glory and feeling the cool night breeze brushing her cheeks.

The hurt goes deep, miles into skin and flesh and bone. Deep into where there is nothing but my soul. The hurt is invisible and inreversible and vile, finding its way into my very core and spreading itself through my veins, mingling with my blood. I want to get rid of it.

She draws out a penknife from the depths of her pocket. The wind ruffles her ebony hair, and plays with her dress. it tickles her bare skin and dances across her cheeks. She smiles mirthlessly.

A flash of metal.

Cold, hard, undaunting metal against her warm, soft, vulnerable skin. A quick flick of her wrist and pain shoots up her arm and through the rest of her body.

A silent cry of pain.

She bleeds.

Life’s sweet nectar. The price to pay to get rid of that hurt. I hiss in agony, the knife going down once, twice, thrice. I’m bleeding. The pain strikes deep, but not as deep as it should have gone. I can still feel the hurt laughing at me, twisting and writhing about. Failure, a tiny voice smirks. You’re nothing but a failure.

I scream.

She gets to her feet, A trickle of ruby red makes its way down her arm, to her fingers, to dangle at the tip of her fingers.A single drop of garnet appears on her bare foot. There is a jagged streak of lightning – opulent against the stretch of velvet that was the night sky. Thunder rolls in the background – a tense beginning for a new story.

The raindrops fall to mingle with the dark red trials and her salty tears.

I scream and I kick, and someone grips my arms hard. It’s back. They’re back. They’re never going to leave me alone. They’re never letting me go. Not until I give them what they want.

Suddenly, there are more pairs of hands pulling me, voices begging me. The whispers in my head telling me to give up, just give up.

I grasp weakly at thin air. I want to be free. I don’t want to be perfect anymore. I want to destroy every single ounce of the pressure that is shaping me into what I don’t want to be.

I cry.

Her lips part in an anguished, ear-piercing scream that rings out true in the night. She draws one bloody hand across her face to wipe away the tears, but she can’t tell if the wetness on the back of her hands is blood, rain, or tears. Shs tilts her head up and lifts her arms to embrace the rain.

She crouches down, huddling into a ball, and begins to cry all over again.

Broken.

They mock me as one by one, they circle me. They try to ensnare me with their tendrils of black. They call out, their musical voices morphing into something taunting, something evil, plunging into my brain, burning in my ears. I try to pry my eyes open but I cannot. They stay screwed shut.

Noisy. It’s too damn noisy. I let loose a wild screech. 

They think I don’t know that they think I’m insane. They think I don’t know what goes on in their heads. They think I don’t know that all they want to do is tear me apart, layer by layer, while I stay helpless.

I must get away. I will give them what they want. Give it all away. I’m tired of fighting, of trying so hard for something I know I can never attain.

Closer and closer to the edge she inches, until her toes curl over the edge. Everywhere, everything is masked in a cloak of gray, indiscernible behind the curtain of rain.

She rocks slightly, just so that she loses her balance. She tilts forward, more and more. She finds herself falling into nothingness. Blast after blast of icy air hits her, and showers of cold water rains upon her.

So this is what it is like to fall through thin air, knowing that there is nothing at the bottom to catch you when you fall, when you cry, when you break, when you die.

She feels herself coming in contact with something solid. There is no pain, no hurt, no agony. She has left it all behind.

Is this what perfection feels like?

A clamour of voices.

“Oh my god!”

“Is she alright?”

“She just fell from the sky like…”

“…a lot of blood!”

“Call the ambulance, somebody!”

“…just a child…”

“…what the fuck?”

It’s over. 

Don’t walk away;

It’s all a game, avoding failure
When true colors will bleed,
All in the name of misbehavior,
And the things we don’t need.

Carnival of Rust – Poets of the Fall

Who said that putting in effort will return you the results that you deserve? Who said that as long as you tried your best, nobody can ever put you down? Who said that the process is what really matters, and the results are nothing but a bonus? The person who said all those, must have been high on crack.

Somebody break the illusion, uncover the lies, shove the blatant truth into everyone’s face, because nobody is willing to look at what is real.

Dreams are made to be dashed, broken, shattered, destroyed. Dreams are nightmares in the sly, wicked guise of a beautiful coat. Dreams are failures that have not yet shown their real selves.

It’s a whirlpool of emotions that I am unable to use words to convey. Dejection and self-pity, anger and frustration, depression and disappointment, lethargy and amazement… Heck.

Why do I even bother?

Why do we even bother?

I’m sorry but I have to get on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear myself open just to feel;

Scars – Papa Roach

I have been officially awarded the “World’s Dumbest Person” award. I wanted to share the reason behind my prestigious award but on second thought, I decided not to think about it anymore. I shall learn to be a cheerful, optimistic and happy-go-lucky girl. One day, you may very well find that my black and red blog has turned orange and yellow.

‘Scars’ is a good song. I’m beginning to like Papa Roach’s songs – wow, I actually lag behind by 3 years. Or 15 years, to be specific, since they broke into the music scene in 1993. Thanks for finding it XinMun.

Two days of straight mugging has addled my brains (more than just) slightly. I mugged for 7 hours yesterday in Bukit Merah Library and 5 hours today. I stayed in the library until the sky turned dark, and my legs were cramping their asses off. Right now, I’m still studying my remaining brain cells away – albeit multi-tasking. What can I say? Girls are good multi-taskers. I kid you not, I’m currently studying Magnetism now. Magnetic induction is the inducing of magnetism in unmagnetised ferromagnetic materials without any contact with the magnet. Magnetisation by stroking/double-stroking. Well that sounds wrong. Magnetisation by electrical method. A steel bar in placed inside a solenoid connected to a circuit where a direct current is passed through for a few seconds. The end with the wire coiled in an anti-clockwise direction is the North pole, and the end with the wire coiled in a clockwise direction is the South pole. I could go on, but I supose your eyes are all skimming over the many italized words. Are you trying to speedread?

Studying session for Singapore Studies tomorrow too.

I feel like my brain’s about to explode anytime soon. I can picture these tiny, circular creatures with spindly limbs, wearing nerdy but cute glasses and rolling about in their roller-chairs (whatever those are called) in my brain – which probably explains my throbbing headache – and tapping frantically at mini-computers with flashing screens and squeaking to each other frantically.

Brainiac #1: Quick, quick, someone put down those firewalls! They’re stopping The Brain from absorbing anymore information!
Brainiac #2: I can’t do it either! This monitor is going bonkers! Look at all that smoke coming out from its back!
Brainiac #3: MAYDAY, MAYDAY! Information Overload!
Brainiac #4: We’re going to die!
Brainiac #2: The Brain is going to explode!
Brainiac #1, #2, #3, #4: OH NOOOOOOOOOOO! T.T

And then there was a brilliant flash, and Li Lin’s room was covered in gunk and blood and hell-knows-what. There you go, that was the unfortunate and depressing demise of my brain. Let us all have one minute of silence. I wanted to talk about something else important but… my memory card’s chock-full of Physics now so forget it. A few of you have probably seen the following letter (or part of it) on my MSN PM, but who cares?

A love letter to Physics, my one true love:

Dear Physics,

You are dense, so intensely dense that I cannot understand why I ever fell for you. Maybe it was the magnetic forces which drew me to you… We went against the law, however, when you repelled me, and broke my heart. You’re so disgustingly fugly that nobody else can stand the sight of you, but I’m simply drop dead gorgeous. If opposites attract, why didn’t we?

Everytime you cross my line of vision, I see the light reflecting off you in such an endearing manner. It casts your gross features into such beauty, highlighting all the crests and troughs (or lines and contours, really) of your face. My heart goes pitter-patter, moving in such a continuous, random motion in short, jerky paths that I often wonder if I was going to die of a heart attack.

You throw the whole room into utter silence when you strut right in. You send the temperature way up, that even the most sensitive, widest-ranged, most responsive thermometer couldn’t take it. It exploded in a cloud of mercury, and someone just replaced it with an alcohol-filled one. One molecule in the room vibrated at top speed, knocking into all the other molecules and sending them into spasms of ecstacy as they tried to pass on your hotness – and failed.

Everytime your arm brushes mine, there is a sudden transfer of electrons from you to me, and I get a static shock. I never thought that we could be conducted by contact but you proved me wrong. Your breathtaking presence puts so much pressure on me that it feels like I’m a 10,000 metres under the sea. The density of water multiplied by gravitational energy and the height of water above me is too much for me to take. Why didn’t you send for a hydraulic jack to propel me back into the magnetic field of your ethereal uglinessbeauty?

Your voice… it is the epitome of perfection! The air particles get whipped into such a frenzy that they actually vibrate parallel to the direction of the longitudinal wave emitted from your mouth! The compressions, the rarefactions, oh, they make your lilting voice such a pleasure to listen to. The amplitude and frequency of your longitudinal waves are so amazing, they bring out the volume and pitch your voice is capable of! You leave me breathless when your sonorous voice echoes around the room.

You have rejected my love once and again. Although the days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever. Die, Physics, die. Don’t put me through so much pain and misery and torture and insanity. I cannot have these internal emotional struggles daily. You’re going to drive me nuts one day. Since I love you so much, but I can’t have you, I sincerely pray that you die a slow, painful death. You deserve to suffer as much as I did! I deserve so much better! I deserve someone like, I don’t know, Mr. Music maybe, with his eloquent symbols.

Remember, I love you. Won’t you die for me, please?

The love of your life (and you bloody well know it),
Sing Li Lin

I now proclaim that my revision for physics has ended and I’m going to sleep. Goodnight, people.

P.S: Ah, I got the shock of my life when I couldn’t switch my font color back to black.

S C R E W E D

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending, unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do, you’ll need a miracle

Harder to Breathe – Maroon 5

Due to my week-long abstinence from Livejournal, allow me to discuss the following topics:

(i) Study Break
(ii) The Fucked-Up Weather
(iii) WonderBang
(iv) Invasion of the Ants

(i)
So, two days of study break and one public holiday. That’s three whole days in a row for us hardworking students to mug for our upcoming mid-years. ‘Hardworking students’ definitely do not include yours truly. I covered about one-tenth of what I initially planned to study. 

Tuesday – Angle Properties of Circles; Modulus; Trigonometry. 
Wednesday – Nothing but WonderBang. 
Thursday – Chemical Bonding, Acids, Bases and I stopped just before Salts. 

I guess my study plan was more than just a little bit screwed, since I wasted 3 days of my life doing nothing productive.

(ii)
Has anybody else noticed how drastically our weather has changed? Clearly, Global Warming is no longer a thing of the present. It’s planning to hunt us for the rest of our pathetic lives. 

The weather has become so bad that I end up turning on my air-con two hours earlier than usual each day. I start perspiring barely 5 minutes into my daily exercise. Yes, I actually do exercise, just not the regular form of run-skip-weightlifting kind of exercise. (I’m too lazy to do that.) Still, it doesn’t hide the ever-present revelation that I have a huge ass. Quite insane, really. 

I’m tempted to take leaf out of that-dude-from-the-past’s book. What’s his name again? Oh, who cares. As I was saying, I’m tempted to learn from him and shoot down the sun with my compass, plunging the world into everlasting coldness and darkness. That will be the day I gain recognition… ‘Cause every damn person in the world would be going after that crazy-nuthead-who-shot-down-the-sun with a chopper.

(iii)
TOP IS SEX ON LEGS!

YOOBIN IS SMEXY!

(I heard from Beryl that *They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s definition of ‘smexy’ is smacking sexy. Ridiculous. Li Lin’s definition of ‘smexy’ is smouldering & sexy. Get that straight.)

*Truth is, I kinda forgot who they are.

TOP is the rapper from BigBang. Of course, the other members are just as cute/cool and a couple of ‘em are admittedly good-looking but yeah well, you can tell who I have my eye on, can’t you? Speaking about eyes, TOP has the most mesmerizing eyes I’ve ever seen on a guy. No wonder Qinyu says I’m a fickle woman. Jiro, then Calvin, and now Top. High School is turning me into a feather-brain.

YooBin is the rapper from WonderGirls. (Ahem, I don’t have a thing for rappers. Honest.) Yes, as above, the other members are pretty/adorable but she pwns them all hands down ‘cuz she’s not just smexy but also the coolest.

I just can’t get enough of their deep, husky, sexy voices. I’m a TOPBIN/TOOBIN/YOOTOP shipper, and I’m proud to admit it. This is even better than the S.H.E and Fahrenheit coupling I was so obsessed over a few months ago. If you were contemplating googling the aforementioned terms, please don’t bother. You will get incredulous results that have nothing to do with what I’m really talking about. I actually registered on soompi just to find threads on them, and fanfics featuring them. PWAH. Heck, they’re the first Korean artistes I actually take to. 

For pictures, visit my old blog. I don’t want to post pictures up on my LiveJournal.

Cheryl (Tay) said something today which made me wonder how we became best friends back in primary school. She said that she likes slow songs, and guys who can sing slow songs are romantic. I beg to differ, thank you. Romantic, yes, but cliche. How about guys who can rap for a change? *cough*Eminem is hot.*cough*

It fascinates me how I always get addicted to the weirdest things right before any major exams. From Neopets to Fictionpress to Cartoons to 终极一班 to 终极一家 to WonderBang, it’s quite literally ‘Been There, Done That’.

(iv)
Recently, I discovered ants lurking about in my frickin’ laptop. I repeat, my – frickin’- laptop. Somebody explain to me how the hell they found their way in there. I vacuumed them out. At least they’re not the terrifying flying ants that never fail to scare the shit out of yours truly. Ironic how I actually like animals like snakes and cheetahs and whatnot, but get freaked out my a 6-legged, spindly, tiny thing barely 5cm long.

There, I hope I satisfied the stalkers in my blog with that damn long post. Now, I’ll get back to uhm, trying to study for my mid-years?