Catalyst for Destruction

So you’re taking these pills for to fill up your soul,
& you’re drinking them down with cheap alcohol,
& I’d be inclined to be yours for the taking,
& part of this terrible mess that you’re making,
But me, I’m the catalyst.

Catalyst – Anna Nalick

So lonely. I feel ridiculously lonely. I feel unloved. I feel weird. I… I’m a shipwreck, sinking, spinning, sliding, spiralling into the dark oblivion that is the depths of the sea.

Round, round, round.

Around and around and around.

Step out for five second and breathe, close your eyes and sway to the simple symphony of the leaves rustling, the breeze that is caressing your cheeks, the rumble of approaching thunder, the intoxicating scent of fresh rain; tune out the slamming doors and raised voices and the sobs that escape your lips. Pull your soul back into you and curl into the tiniest nub of nothing so that you won’t implode and make an empty messy shell that used to be you. Enter a world of your own and all is dark and your senses are heightened and you smell everything beautiful and hear everything so vividly that it all plays out like a moving picture in your mind and you never need to open your eyes again and your soul won’t drift.

Because I’m a smudge of sadness, unravelled string, shredded dreams, sprinkling shards of hope to pierce your skin. I breathe out passion that swirls in giant hypnotic circles to surround you and lift your body into the air to twine my soul with yours and together we will be a beautiful, beautiful mess. The air crackling with electricity from the lightning that split the sky dances right across your skin and mine, a delicate spiderweb of light, an artwork from an alternate universe. The hair so fine that it could be invisible, it stands on end and wavers slightly and I watch in fascination when the lightning hits its mark and the charge shoots right through you. But you feel nothing because all the pain drifts into me, courses through my veins, leaving burnt scars along the insides of my body and… And I convulse and cough and curl into a ball, just like my soul in my skin.

And then I will explode, and it will be the next Big Bang. The beginning of another Universe… For me. And you, you will wither away in a flurry of tears when the hand you have been holding turns into nothing and you find yourself grasping lamely at thin air. Don’t try and find me. It will be futile.

You will be so sad.

And I will be so, so, happy.

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