the wisps of smoke twisting, curling
so fragile and thin,
like the world that we’re in;
bubbles we live in,
the surface that breaks so easily
so clear; nothing in between.

it’s all gray and white,
a spoilt picture and nobody could
draw the line,
between your love and hate,
our black parade.

you got me drunk on
vodka-laced words,
burning kisses that stole my soul,
searing through heated flesh,
winding through a twisted mind.

but noone ever told you how
much it hurts
when these eyes like shutters
open to lightning bolts of pain,
a tortured heart in a fractured cage,

and a bed that is empty

the place where you lie

the sheets crumpled

and the lingering warmth

memories.

the only comfort in this broken world
that was made for you and me so,

let it be, let it be.

I thought I changed for the better.

I was reading through my archives again; looking at this, this and this makes me feel a little sad. I used to write about spontaneous reactions between the air and the sparks and everything else beautiful in between but no, not anymore.

I can’t.

I only write when I’m feeling emotions so strong that they’re indecipherable; the kind of sadness that makes your breath catch and your eyes burn, the kind of anger that makes your head light and your skin tingle – negative feelings. I guess in a way, it’s a good thing that what I don’t write as much anymore because that means that what I feel now are clear – cut, simple, uncomplicated.

But it also makes me feel like I’ve lost the spark of being special… Lost my (only) talent. It’s like the only thing I’m ever going to be good at is no longer mine anymore. I’m not going to be good at anything. I’m not somebody anymore, I’m just anybody and everybody and… I don’t like that, y’know…?

If I say I’m sorry,
It’s just me sending a lie,
When you’re in my arms,
I feel emptier inside,
I never felt so satisfied.

A Loaded Smile – Adam Lambert

It makes me feel impossibly sad to know that the people around me are going to die one day, and I don’t want to be there to witness it. I don’t want to know.  Every time I talk about how I’d like to end my life right here, right now, I actually am terribly scared of dying. It’s like I’m suspended in this vacuum, between wanting to die and wanting to live. When I read that line in someone’s LJ post, I thought, I had never identified so much with anything. That line went right through my soul.

Ephemeral. That’s the right word to describe Life. Your life isn’t short because it is the longest thing you will ever experience. But Life, in general, appears and disappears in a split-second. Every moment there is, every breathe we take, something’s dying; something’s just been born. It comes and goes so quickly, you wouldn’t even notice it.

Sometimes I sit and breathe and think and wonder; what am I here for? Sometimes I cannot sleep and I lie under my blanket, staring up at the slit of light coming through the crack in my curtain on the wall; what would it be like if I couldn’t see a thing? I need to start appreciating life more.

I don’t want to die with (too many) regrets.

P.S: I just read through my old posts. How come I could wax lyrical back then and my posts now are so full of trash?

XY

김준수; 2PM

I was just listening to him sing Bump n’ Grind by R Kelly on YouTube and then the moment he went “Baby bring your body to me~” I died. Okay? I fucking died and fucking went to heaven oh my fucking gawd. When I’m legal, I’m going to all the male host clubs available in SG to find one who looks like him. And spend all my life savings on that dude. -happy sigh- He is so fucking hot. And his fingers. His pretty, pretty fingers. Oh and when he pouts. Or when they make him put on those retardedly cute furry ears and paws and dance Bo Peep and shake his ass and whatnot. They’re just trying to kill me. It’s a fucking conspiracy. Damn I can’t stop cursing when I talk about him. Fuck why is he so hot? Why!?

신수현; U-Kiss

Awesome voice, awesome body, awesome character. WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE, YOU TELL ME!? His rendition of Usher’s Because of You blew me away!~ And he can do 61 sit-ups in 1 minute while lying diagonally downwards okay?! That’s why he’s got those sexy abs omg. -rapes- ………. -rapes again- If I can’t find a guy like Junsu I’d go for someone like SooHyun. (: And he’s so nice to girls! SO! FUCKING! NICE! TO! HIS! FANS! -sigh- I WANT.

준형; Beast

Kills me when he raps, and then he nags at his bandmates like the umma he really is. HOW CUTE CAN HE GET?! KYAAAAAA~

Top; Big Bang

Deep voice, piercing eyes, sexy smirk. SIHFIUBFIUGOHO02UT93T97HNIREWBT32T23IF JUST LET ME AT HIM! RAH!

윤호; DBSK

Look at that body. And he’s so sweet and kind and generous and handsome and cute and he can dance, and look at that body. And he’s tall. Too bad he can’t sing.

Mir; MBLAQ

THAT POUT! SO CUTE! SOOOOO CUUUUUUTE! And he can rap pretty well too. ;D My dorky little baby boy. -squishes cheeks-

요셩; Super Junior

Sigh. His lovely husky voice melts me. And his piercing eyes. And his pretty lips. Not the hottest dude around but he’ll do just fine, alright?! LEAVE HIM ALONE. His arm muscles are pretty nice.

XX

CL; 2NE1

She’s got attitude but she could also be the cutest thing on Earth and she’s so good to her members and her rapping is FIERCE and her singing is really good too! And her body is freaking awesome for a 19 year old. I love her. D:

YooBin; Wonder Girls

SHE’S! SO! PRETTY! Plus she’s cute in the dorkiest way possible. And I love it when she raps. And so what if her voice is almost as deep as a guy’s, she’s unique alright?! I love her voice! <3 She’s so pretty. Oh and did I mention? She’s so pretty. And she’s sexy as hell. And she’s pretty cool. And people shld just stop giving her shit about her weight because y’know what? She’s perfect!~ 8D

IU

She’s only 17 but she’s got the voice of an angel~ I love it when she sings. And she’s too pretty&cute for words! >_< She’s adorable! And her eyes are so pretty. -pinches cheeks- …. But I wouldn’t turn lesbian for her. Ohwells.

Narsha; Brown Eyed Girls

She’s 29 but she looks nothing like it. She’s pretty, sexy, classy and liberal. And she’s really humorous. But clearly I’m just being shallow because IDK how well exactly she sings but I do know it’s not bad.

Okay, that’s it. I was planning to add more to the list but I’m a little tired already. HAHAHA. Time to study Econs after my bath/dinner. ;D

“This chaos, this calamity; this garden once was perfect.” – Wine Red; Hush Sound

Sometimes I stop to think how I could possibly smile and pretend everything’s peachy when it’s not. And then I realize, everybody else does that too.

Walk in the rain. Sometimes I wished I’d be all alone in the streets and when it rained, I’d do some lameass cheesy move from some movie like tilt my head up, close my eyes, spread my arms open wide and spin in circles looking like an absolute fool but appreciating every bit of freedom that comes with it. Even if I got struck by lightning, it’d all be fine if I died immediately. Otherwise, the more logical thing to do would be to head out and walk under shelter around my neighborhood.

Swim in the rain. I can’t swim, but I’ve always thought it was a brilliant idea to be the only person in the pool swimming when the skies are pouring. I think it’d be wonderful to break the surface and see fat gray clouds that do not hurt your eyes. Then again, if lightning made its appearance, I’d probably be the first to die… If I haven’t already drowned to my death without anybody around to save me. Of course, I could always go straight to the kiddy pool and start wading around in shallow water.

Sit in my room with a good book. Knowing me, this comes with other details such as: Sitting on the floor with my cushions and my carpet and my blanket and it should be some philosophical book or chick lit or girly magazine. And I’d use that pretty star-shaped light on my ceiling to illuminate my room! ^^



Make smoothies. More specifically, strawberry/blueberry yoghurt smoothies. I can imagine XX watching me walk around in the kitchen with his giant brown eyes. -cuddles- (If he’d just stay still for one fucking second.) Hmmm, maybe I should do this before I read… And YES! I actually do know how to use a blender without turning the kitchen in a huge mess, tyvm.

Watch a movie. A sappy, romantic/comedic/a good hybrid of both movie. That’d make me cry.

Prettify my room. This is by this wonderful street artist named Katie. I quite like the idea of cutting hearts out of colorful paper and taping them up on my wall. The effect would be great since my walls are white! Time for me to take down that 2PM poster. ;D

Think about life. Yeah, I figured it was time I really sat down and thought through the things I did properly. But I can’t think when the sun’s too hot. (Excuses, excuses…) So I’ll just wait until a perfect rainy day comes along.

What’d YOU do on a rainy day?

This is something I meant to post a long time ago. Practically a week, I think. I’ve finally gotten around to doing it. (:

BB told me something when we went out last Saturday and I figured, it made a lot of sense so I editted it in my head and decided to write it here – this is NOT verbatim so don’t whack me, BB. (Which occurs to me that I have too many BBs in my life and I need to start coming up with new names.)

“Your life is like a bedroom and at the entrance, there are many bedroom slippers. These bedroom slippers represent your interests in life and the people in your life are those who fit right in ’cause of these similar interests. But they won’t stay forever ’cause one day, they’ll decide to leave but these bedroom slippers will be left at the door. The empty feeling will be sickening and hard to get over because that person was once part of your life afterall and it was a change in the lifestyle which you’ve become accustomed to. But another day, a different person will walk into your life again wearing these slippers that’ll fit him/her perfectly. And your life is complete again. Friends come and go, but there will always be someone else to fill up the empty space they left behind.”

The ones who love you will stay and the ones who don’t…. Won’t. I think as long as I accept the fact that friendships never last forever, everything will be fine. I’ll be happy because I’m a healthy, fortunate girl and I should learn to tryly appreciate the things around me. And I’ll be happy because, I deserve to be. The most important thing in MY life is that I’M happy and it should not be spent making other people happy. Not that I shouldn’t bother at all, but it should be done in moderation and not placed at the top of my priority list because if I’m not happy, how can I make other people happy and yet not feel like I’m lying to myself? We’re all the main characters of our own lives and when these characters fade away into empty shells, then the story of our lives would have come to a devastating end.

And there is one thing I’ve written in my diary which I believe I should state here as well, because I’m re-establishing this fact, and hoping that I will always remember it. And that is that regardless of the times I’ve loudly declared that I hate them and could survive very well without them, I still love my parents. Very much so. And no, I cannot survive without them. The thought of them leaving me one day hurts; especially so when they talk about death so naturally and so easily. About how when they die, they’d leave the money to me; about how when they die, I’d have to take care of myself; about how when they die, I’d be responsible for my own life – and it hurts. I’m sorry for being a rebellious kid with a streak of scarlet temper that will never change. I still believe I inherited it and it’s doubly bad for me because both my parents are temperamental people who flare up often. I’m sorry for not being perfect but nobody is perfect and I have come to accept that.

It’s funny how one issue could make me think and reflect so much and in a way, I’m actually glad it happened because I learnt a lot from it. It’d be nice if it didn’t, of course, and I’m sorry that it had to happen at all but there is no point crying over spilt milk. You can’t turn back the hands of a clock anyway. There are still happy memories left anyway and I’d still treasure them forever. I suddenly felt like I had grown up so much over the course of a month and I think… It was time I got a change of mindset anyway.

I’m grateful to BB for telling me that theory. I’ve learnt to let go. I won’t say it has stopped affecting me; I still think about it sometimes and wonder how things could have been better but I’ve learnt to let go. I’m not the best friend, best daughter, best student around but I’m trying my hardest to be the best that I can be. I have faith in myself and frankly, isn’t that all that matters? Feeling inferior is natural but it shouldn’t become a character trait. From this day on, I will stop being so paranoid and insecure; it should be fine to sink into the doldrums once in a while when times get hard but (this is a promise to myself) I will pick myself up after that and move on.

I refuse to say that “we should be optimistic because life is short” because life is the longest damn thing ever. Can you outlive your own life? No! It’s the longest thing you’ve survived and that’s that. However, it is true that time is precious and I shouldn’t waste too much time wallowing over and thinking about unnecessary things. I’ll be a better person: a better friend to everybody else who’s cared for and been there for me because I’m thankful simply for their existence; work hard at my studies because I know I’m not stupid; and spend more time with my parents because they care for me despite their inability to see things from my perspective. I’ll learn to understand everybody better so that I can appreciate them more.

I don’t like saying this often because I don’t believe in it enough but: I love you, all of you. <3 Thanks for everything; for things you’ve done for me to things you’ve said to me to things that haven’t occurred yet (Man, this sounds like that line from Akon’s ‘Put The Blame On Me’).

It’s a new beginning for me and I’ll embrace it~ ^^

I always knew this was coming. I was prepared. I guess I wasn’t prepared enough… This hurts more than I expected it to.

But I’ll pull through. I always do.

Actual children’s answers to the question “what is love?”

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy, age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” – Karl, age 5

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” – Terri, age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” – Danny, age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” – Emily, age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” – Bobby, age 7

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” – Chrissy, age 6

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” – Nikka, age 6

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” – Noelle, age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” – Tommy, age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” – Cindy, age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” – Clare, age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” – Elaine, age 5

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” – Mary Ann, age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” – Lauren, age 4

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” – Rebecca, age 8

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” – Karen, age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.” – Chris, age 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” – Jessica, age 8

Now, smile. What’s so bad about being single? [:

<333,
Me

P.S.: I wanted to post this really cynical, analytic view of love but decided against it. Maybe some other day when it’s not vday.